Thursday, June 19, 2008

Lauren On Love

I get asked my advice on love from time to time. And, I am always willing to listen. This particular situation you will see my advice. Do you think it was right or wrong? This is a firstlife circumstance and a secondlife girl....

She has a married man as her boyfriend. He told her he was leaving his wife on June 10th because the weekend before was a big family event he didn't want to mess up. She and I talked and I asked her last night if he had left his wife. Her reply and mine follow.

Friend email to me --

The result of June 10th was of course not as planned. The family outing was a mess and they fought the whole time. I told him I couldn't keep doing this forever. He asked me to "just let their (wife and him) relationship fall apart like it's been doing for over a year". He knows it's over, but still feels like a few things need to be taken care of before (at this point she mentions he needs to sell assets, do better at his job etc..)
It's hard for me to accept that though. I guess I just have to believe him when he says we will end up together. It is apparent that he loves me very much. I just hope the real June 10th comes sooner rather than later.
P.S. What would Lauren Weyland have to say about all that?

My reply:
Lauren Weyland would say this................throughout history this is the same excuse men have given over and over to entice a mistress to stay in their fold. Nearly always there is another excuse and "I'll tell her soon." At some point the man usually ends the relationship and stays with the wife. Most women then go with their tails between their legs...having been lied to.

Are there exceptions....................
...........none I've heard of, but certainly there is an exception to every rule. Why are you going to be the exception..............I have no idea.

But this Lauren would stand or lose.......she would take the initiative. No demands...No negativity. No hard feelings. She would simply say, "Paul, you know I love you. You know I would never want to break up a marriage. And, I've been here for you. Please don't say anything..........just listen..............don't plead...........just understand. I have reached down inside myself and found my own moral dilemma. I understand it isn't yours. I do not wish to change another's morality nor do I wish someone to change mine. I cannot stay with a married man. It's just wrong. I'm sure you'll understand."

(and don't say (if you leave her)..................don't cry......don't shake........don't be calm......and stop talking right there......get up and leave.

He will try excuses.............don't listen............if he loves you he will do what he should do and not worry about property etc. And remember............"if you throw love away, and it's real, it will come back"


Nicky said...

The advice given is of course correct but for someone in love, it is possibly more than your friend would (or could) act on. Your friend believes this guy loves her and she is currently at a place where she is prepared to believe him when he says they will be together.

The unfortunate things about us as human beings is that our hearts tend to rule our heads, that's why we make so many mistakes. We know the truth, but if the heart is stronger than the head, then we can't help but follow on a path with is not meant for us.

It's a matter of helping a friend to face the truth and to help them gradually move away from the relationship. More often than not, it is too difficult to just tell the guy that it's over as there are too many feelings involved.

My advice would be to reduce the contact initially; in other words, try to ween yourself off the relationship. If there is a certain day they meet, arrange to do something else. If he call's at a certain time of the day, don't answer the phone. Small steps.

There is no loyalty in this kind of relationship, it's obvious looking from the outside what is happening, but harder to see if you are middle of it all.

You friend should arrange to go out with her pals and go and meet some singles guys and not waste her precious life on someone who is just going to keep her hanging on a string and be there at his convenience.

Well, that's my 2p's worth anyway.. good luck.

Anonymous said...

Yes Lauren. You are right on. Life is about choices, one of the harder lessons of being a grownup. It goes with the hard work of building relationships. Attraction / infatuation happens, relationships are built and maintained, or not. Attraction is an instinct, relationship a skill that requires practice and reciprocal tender nurturing care or it withers and dies. Love is a word too cheaply used...

This guy doesn't get it. He wants it all. Its all about him. And your friend has blinding stars in her eyes.